

i needed one tonight. Itapos;s funny, because iapos;m used to being around a lot of people...i work in a senior home so iapos;m always around a lot of people. But whenever iapos;m around family...itapos;s just different. I supposed itapos;s because everyone is sitting in a small room and people are talking REALLY�loud .....some louder than others...and then it just gets louder. I LOVE�my family...with a passion...i miss them when iapos;m not with them and most of the time when i leave, iapos;m sad to leave them.
tonight i was just in a bad mood because my husband was. He was being snarky and not acting like himself at all. Most people who know him well, know that he is quiet, gentle, giving, funny, reserved....among other things. Tonight he was sarcastic and a little rude. I understand him 100..i know him 100...but not everyone does. I was embarrassed because my family was wondering what was going on with him. I just hate when the judgement starts. I understand that from my parents point of view, itapos;s insulting if their son in law is making it pretty obvious that he doesnapos;t want to be there....according to their interpretation of his behaviour. But what they donapos;t understand is that he works hard...physical labour at that....he doesnapos;t sit at a desk or even walk around passing medication all day....he rebuilds and repairs huge locomotives. So he has to leave work at the end of the day, doesnapos;t have time to shower and change....and take the bus almost two hours to get to my parents place...where he has to sit in what heapos;s being working in all day, not having showerd. Iapos;d be grumpy too. Yes....we all have to get over things and just be happy that weapos;re with our family blah blah blah. We all do that....my husband too. But what some people donapos;t understand if they donapos;t take public transport is that it gets to you after a while. I get it...i know from personal experience. My husband and i are sick and tired of travelling so far to go to work each day (well he doesnapos;t have to...his workplace is close) and then travel far (he does) to get to my parents place for an occasion. Weapos;re not angry at anyone...weapos;re very grateful because my parents always drive us home...which is very generous. Weapos;re just tired and weapos;re annoyed at ourselves because we havenapos;t been able to get a car yet. Weapos;re not self sufficient. Do you actually think my husband would be acting this way if he had driven himself to my parentapos;s??? NO heapos;d be in a GREAT�mood...because he would have had time to shower, change, smoke a cigarette...watch a tv show...and still get to my parentapos;s place in time to socialize a bit before dinner.
whatever...i just donapos;t care anymore. I know my family only wants the best for me....but (and this is only what I�feel...itapos;s not a statement of fact or direct accusation).....they seem to forget their own personal experiences when they see me arguing with my husband and how he reacts. My mom judges...and maybe she doesnapos;t mean it as an insult, i donapos;t know...but it just bothers me. Marriage is a hard thing, people fight...people are not themselves sometimes. Things seem hopeless even sometimes...although i havenapos;t gotten there....yet...i hope i never will. But i know that if i do, things wonapos;t actually be hopeless. My husband and i love each other with a very deep passion....so strong that people actually comment on it....in a positive way. When iapos;m with my family....a lot of times i feel like thereapos;s something wrong with our relationship. I almost feel like there is an arrow above his head with a sign that says "not right for you". I hate that feeling because dating my husband, moving in with him and then marrying him were the three best decisions of my life.
i love my family, like i said before. Weapos;re very close. But everyone has their "favourite"....so to speak. My sisters apparently have a bond that no one can and no one will understand. Itapos;s made obvious to everyone in the room all the time. They are both close with my mother...the three of them do things together a lot. One of my sisters has a "special" connection with my aunt...etc etc.
i love all my family equally. I have a special connection (if i have to call it that) with one of my sisters. We think alike, she knows me like no one in this world knows me., except my husband...she defends me all the time...when iapos;m not making sense, even to myself...she seems to understand what iapos;m saying....but i donapos;t advertise it to everyone. I would not even say that iapos;m not as close to my other sister, itapos;s a different kind of closeness.
i have an easier relationship with my father. We can sit in the car or have coffee and just talk about regular stuff, or deep important stuff in life and it seems like nothing...not arguments, no stress etc.....with my mom itapos;s always intense and full of drama. But i love them both....so much itapos;s painful. I love them in different ways...iapos;m very close with both of them and i have different relationships with both of them. I donapos;t believe in "special" relationships and soul mates....i mean, i believe in them but i donapos;t believe that they are the most important thing in the world. I also believe that we can create special bonds....we can choose them. A relationship is what you want it to be....it is what it is. My husband and i were led to each other....yes i believe we were meant to be. We work at our relationship, he takes the time to listen to me and thatapos;s why he knows me so well.
a lot of the time i feel sad about all these "special connections" going on in my family because it makes me miss my grandmother. If i had a special connection with anyone, it was her. She was 45 years old when i was born....and she and my mom were very close. I look at pictures of my childhood and i had four parents, not two. Everywhere i went, my mom, dad, grandma and grandpa were there. Camping, the zoo, shopping, disney land. My grandmother had a special way about her. She was quirky and funny, sensitive and strong....she made everyone around her feel special. I think i had a special bond with her because i was her first grandchild. She used to call all her grandchild her "angels" but i was her "#1". Things were never hard or serious with her....it was always fun and full of love. She never made me feel unwanted or alone. She always validated my feelings, she always listened to me and never made me feel like i was overreacting and being ridiculous. Sometimes i feel like she was an older version of me....my mom used to say that i am a lot like her. From my quirkiness to my big heart to my funky style. She was the one i had the special connection with....and she passed it on to my husband. When i had my heart broken very badly, instead of praying to some higher power...i had a tearful conversation with my grandmother. I asked her for a best friend who would also be my lover...someone who would accept me quietly for who i am, stand up for me, love me and be with me forever. A week and a half later, my husband and i were inexplicably drawn together. I know without a doubt it was her. I know that even though now, my husband and i share a bond that here and i once shared....that i still share the same bond with her. She lets me know once in a while that sheapos;s with me...if itapos;s a song on the radio that starts playing without coincidence as an explaination, or if itapos;s just a fluttery feeling at my neck....with an undeniable knowledge that she is right there.....she just lets me know. Itapos;s hard sometimes to wake up and remember that sheapos;s not here. Honestly, some days i think about her and i canapos;t remember her voice, her face...ANYTHING about her...and it scares me into a panic. Other days i remember her so vividly itapos;s like she was here yesterday. I donapos;t understand it...but both instances are just as painful. I wonder how itapos;s going to be 10, 20 or 30 years from now. I hope i can still remember most parts of her.
Iapos;m going to stop here because i can feel a novel coming on. Itapos;s so funny how writing works. You get started on one subject which leads you to another and before you know it....youapos;re talking about feelings you never knew you had and things you just never knew about. Or youapos;re just letting things out that need to get out. All i know is, iapos;ve been doing this for a week now and i havenapos;t felt this good in a long time.
on that note, good night.....
david meltzer chicago, david meltzer intelsat, david meltzer photographer, david meltzer photography.




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